October 6, 2011

What is it with Women and Weddings?

The object of my scorn? The movie Bride Wars, starring Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson. Nice, over-the-top, cheesy chick flick about competitive bffs who stay as bffs. Cry me a river.

The premise of the movie is that these two best friends have this shared childhood dream of having a June wedding at the Plaza Hotel. As luck would have it, they both get engaged and are accidentally booked to get married at the Plaza in June on the same day. The HORROR. And neither will change their date. So hilarious and vicious pranks ensue. Are most women really that obsessed with their wedding day? Like, you have a dream and YOU MUST FULFILL IT or your whole marriage will collapse if you don’t have the exact shade of lavender plum or whatever bouquet? Is lavender plum even a color? Seriously, WHO CARES? Am I seriously lacking as a person, as a woman, to NOT GIVE A HOOT?

Oddly enough, I was watching this movie with my bff and we laughed and snarked throughout the entire movie but at the end of it, I just had to ask if she has a “dream wedding”. She snorted and said she’d sign the papers and bounce and invited me to be one of her witnesses. That response explains why she’s my bff. I don’t think I’ve ever envisioned my “big day”. I’ve always had trouble thinking about what I’d look like as a bride, what my groom would look like and how the EVENT would happen, so my ideal would just to have everyone over at the mosque and hand out some pizza and call it a day. I do admit to wanting to wear a red sari on my wedding day, which I don’t even have to worry about because my parents have already purchased a red wedding sari for me in the PERFECT RED and some wedding jewelry and people keep giving me red clothes, hoping it’ll impart some GET MARRIED NOW germs on me. Shrug. Me and bff agreed to have a double wedding at a mosque, it’d be so easy, FREE, and plus, it only takes like 5 min for each of us to get married. Maybe we’ll give out cupcakes.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get married but I have to say, the thought of the wedding really stresses me out. To have a gender-separated or mixed wedding, invite coworkers or not, to play music or not (as conservative Muslims consider music to be not permissible due to content and distracting Muslims from the remembrance of God), how to keep my hair covered while wearing head jewelry, how much of my neck and arms am I okay with exposing to display my jewelry, do I wear and turtleneck and boil to death on my wedding day, my parents’ 80 gazillion friends that MUST come as I am the Eldest Child, etc, etc, etc. In my head, I’m all EFF THAT (pardon my French), let’s  just have a mosque wedding, keep it simple, issue an open invitation to everyone, Muslim or not, and whoever cares will show up. The End. Mosques are already gender separated, there’s plenty of room and I can score food on the cheap. It’ll suck for my male coworkers (which is like 90% of my coworkers) and friends but OH WELLS. C’est la vie and tough noogies.

As this is a total non-issue due to my perpetual single status, I’m off the hook. For now. But this is something that needs to be discussed with the guy and if he can stand firm with his family, that’ll be awesome. My sister is pushing for me to get married in a castle, eyeroll, and my parents are under the impression that I’m saving all of my money for my magnificient wedding day, double eyeroll. However, I understand that there is now also a new breed of men known as groomzillas, and Lord help me if that’s who I wind up with.


September 21, 2011

I’m a Weirdo

Je ne sais pas, but I definitely have a certain je ne sais quoi. Actually, I could write that whole sentence in French, cuz I’m cool like that. Je ne sais pas mais j’ai un certain je ne sais quoi. Or something like that, high school was a long time ago.

Back to the point, there is just something about me that attracts strange ones like children to ice cream trucks. Maybe I smell like ice cream? I don’t know. But there you have it, I smell like ice cream and my coworkers come up to me randomly throughout the day just to talk. About nothing. While interrupting me and others.

Example Un: A coworker gave me a rock. Yes, a rock. It’s currently keeping a napkin, gum, and white-out company on my desk and occassionally hinders my computer mouse. I don’t know why he gave it to me, he just offered it to me and I didn’t know how to say, “Uh, why exactly are you giving me a rock?” without sounding like a 6itch. He also collects rocks, off beaches and parks and buys them from rock stores. Yes, there are stores apparently where you can go for the sole purpose of buying a rock. And I’m not talking about a souvenir shop where rocks are a side attraction so that parents will be forced to waste money on their kids. Rock. Store. Yes.

Example Deux: Another coworker stopped by to tell me that he problems with his iPhone. Why he thought I would care is beyond me, as I, nor anyone in my family own an iPhone. Or iPod. Or iPad. Or iMac or any sort of iThing whatsoever. And he wasn’t on his way to talk to anyone either, just came to my desk and talked about his issue. And then left. Like, whaaaaaaa?

After the case of Example Deux, I bugged my cubicle neighbor and asked, exactly what is it about me that invites these people? I told him to be honest cuz I just.don’t.get.it. Like whyyyyyyyyyyy. At one point in my career, people used to stop by my desk and talk to me for so long that my supervisors actually spoke to me about it. It actually interfered with my workload! And the offenders were spoken to as well! He said that some people have that something that just draws people in. He doesn’t know what it is, exactly, but it is apparently observable in the 3rd person. Others have mentioned this to me as well. And I’m considered *nice*. And that I have to learn how to be mean to people at work. Oy vey.

And that’s just the dangest thing ever, because I used to have such a hard time in school with friends. People were scared of me and some actually really did not like me because I was loud, blunt and rude. After a while, when they got to know me, they’d say, “Oh, that’s just HijabEng, that’s just the way she is. Once you get to know her, you’ll love her. I used to hate her when I first met her, too.” Ha, that just reminded me that my best friend ever actually hated my guts when we first met. Ha, both of my best friends. Too funny.

And it’s true, I am loud, blunt and rude. I tell it how I see it, no filter, no way, no how. Shrug. I suppose in a floor of engineers, maybe I am nice? It’s prolly cuz I have a higher pitched voice. I should work on having a permanent cold to maintain my sexay-man-voice. Next project, perhaps.

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